I finally visited Doc yesterday, he had been worried but he wasn't angry with me. I'm kind of tired of how understaning he is. I'm kind of tired of having to talk with him. I should have seen that coming, I like being able to spill my guts every so often to someone I can trust and who will help me but that is normally one in a very long while. Having to do it every week, every other day is just wearing me down. We hardly talk much because I'm tired of my life being so transparent.  But I still have to see him and I think he might be getting just as frustrated as me. He can't do his job if I don't talk. He can't pick me apart and put me back together and make a nice little report for Uncle Sam if I don't let him.

That pretty much sums up my whole life at the moment. It turns out Autobots are excruciatingly social, especially when they worry about you. That is so very the opposite of me. I love spending time with friends and all but I need more time by myself than I do with others. I need some time to stew in my own thoughts.

I've got to find a way to escape.

Today was also my first day back at work. Everyone was happy to see me and it was nice to be able to go back to my office. I missed work. The holoform was excruciatingly hard to keep going the whole day though. I'll definitely be asking around the office about any upcoming distance projects I can get in on.

Cloudy Days

It has been so cloudy recently, I'm not used to this weather until feb/march. It is so lame.

Well, I guess it isn't so much the grey skies as the grey mood but I firmly believe they are tied to one another. But this grey weather, it drags the days together and suddenly I've missed two appointments with the doc and freaked Tracks out (again) by pulling a ghost act. Part of that was poor luck that I didn't run into anyone and part of it was I just wasn't thinking. I don't really feel bad, but that is part of me not really feeling anything.

Not looking forward to talking to the doc tomorrow. I imagine I'll be scolded like a kid ditching class.

A Disconnect

So. As it turns out my memories are accessible like video files. This is one of those things that is apparently standard among robots but no one thought to tell me. I'm not really angry or anything just a little annoyed. And not really annoyed either at that. It is more at the situation, I guess. No one told me because no one thought to tell me. It is like that assignment where you have to describe how to make a pb&j, no matter how hard you try you always leave out a step. Something you consider so basic you don't even think of it. Getting the jar of peanut butter from the cupboard or opening the bag the bread is in. This is one of those things.

I'm not mad at anyone. Its just that... this isn't the first time there has been this disconnect. When I asked about blankets when I was first given a room none of the bots seemed to understand, I had to explain their function and even then there was still the "but you don't need one now". And there is the disconnect with Tracks, still haven't figured out how to solve that. Lord knows I'm trying though. I just wish I knew what to talk about.

Due to this rather low point I haven't actually been keeping up with my goal to get to know a bot each day. I've been avoiding spending time with anyone with metallic parts the last few days. I spent some time with Michaela and obviously I talked with Doctor Westborough, I would get in trouble if I didn't at least meet with him every other weekday. But other than that I've been on my own, thinking. Lots of thinking. There is a lot I have to figure out, have to plan, by the end of the week so I can let my boss know if I'll be coming in to work Monday, when my sick leave runs out. I've got an idea, to use my holoform and go back to work but it is difficult to keep that running for extended periods of time. I'd have to make sure that I can park right next to my office window since it makes it easier.

But that isn't much of a solution, there are a lot of variables that could mess things up. If my boss needed me to work through lunch. Or work late. Or notices that I'm not actually breathing. Or runs into the hologram and notices I'm not warm or my clothing has no texture.

But I can at least try and make it work for as long as possible and look for distance work or something.

A Robot Version of a Picnic?

I need to figure one out. I spent the day with Tracks, and that very awkward silence is still kind of there but doesn't feel so overpowering. Where as I had been kind of avoiding places that I had frequented before, we went to the empty house where I liked to have lunch and sat there looking over the city. The city is changing. I know everything changes, it is part of life, but being able to see it laid out in front of me didn't brighten my day as much as I thought looking out over the city would. And don't get me wrong, the freeway did need to be redone and having an extra lane should help with traffic. And I hadn't even known that they had connected the two sections of the 210.

We didn't really talk but I was able to think. Sitting next to Tracks strengthed my resolve to go back to work. That sounds bad, it wasn't that I want to reduce the free time I have but it would help me feel like I'm not just sitting about moping. Its like when I was unemployed. Just sitting around moping and without direction did nothing for my self esteem or mood.

I think I'm going to suggest we head up to the turn off we went to up in the mountains so we can look at the city lights and stars tomorrow night. That should be just as peaceful and something I like just sharing between the two of us.

Maybe?

Not much has been going since my last journal, I finished my quilt of quilts and it has been very wonderful to have. I made a pillow to match yesterday so aside from a fitted sheet I've pretty much got a set. :)

I'm in much higher spirits too. I think the connection between me and Tracks is repairing itself. While I was working on the pillow yesterday he showed up and handed me some lace. It is this super pretty 6" white eyelet. He said that he remembered my bedding having lace trimming. It was so nice of him. Like he has started to understand that I'm not going to just assimilate into their little band of Cybertronians.

Although after he left (after we had a lovely chat about fuel additives and the best waxes to give our paint jobs the best shine) I started to think about how he knew that some of my bedding had lace. He'd never been in my house, obviously a Cybertronian doesn't fit or else that is where I would live. The only time I can think of is the one time I did laundry and my dryer broke so I had to hang everything up outside to dry. But that was one time, maybe a year or so ago right after I first met Tracks. Maybe Michaela told him. But she had only ever been to my house a few times and I don't ever remember her going in my bedroom.

Aside from that bit of weirdness things have been looking up. I think I'll get back onto the whole get to know a bot each day thing. If not when I'm in a brighter mood then I don't know when.

And I think I am going to make sure Tracks is at the top of that list. I've missed our friendship.

More WTFs For All Parties Involved

So, as per Dr. Westborough's suggestion I'm making my own bedding. Because my bed (I can't call it a berth it sounds to weird, like I'm a ship) is most certainly not a standard bedding size I'm having to make it myself by sewing together quilts and such. I figured I would just hand sew it since trying to use my sewing machine while this giant might prove dangerous for it. I'd hate to accidentally break it since it is expensive to get fixed. So I went out this morning and got a handful of pretty quilts, a roll of upholstry thread and the largest needle available and spent most of the day sitting in the base sewing the quilts together.

And everytime someone passed me by they backtracked and had to freaking ask me what I was doing. Okay, sure, it probably is a bit odd for a giant robot to be quilting. I get that. But the amount of confusion. If I'd have been welding something they'd have probably just gone on their merry little ways.

And the whole time all I could think of was when I clothing repair and hand embroidery in college to help pay the bills. Every time I had a project that had hand sewing I would pack it up and head down to one of the beaches near San Clemente and just sit in my car sewing or embroidering until it was too dark to continue. As I'm learning it is these little things from before the incident that are the things I miss most. I physically could go down to that beach, that state beach who's name I don't know, and sit in the parking lot and sew but I doubt it would end well. I know how imperative it is to keep the existence of Cybertronians a secret. And sewing is something I can't do in car form.

Again Michaela was the one to kind of save the day. She was the only one to really not bat an eye once I told her what I was doing. I didn't really get to know Michaela when I was human, figured she was just a typical teenage girl. Not the type of person I would want to hang out with. I guess now that she is one of the few humans I can talk to, without withholding information unless I wish to, that my hand was forced into getting to know her. I'm either lucky that she's a person I can get along with and is okay keeping me company or I'm grasping at the remaining connections to humanity that I have. I think I'll say it is the first option.

I like the idea I've got more than a tenious grasp on sanity.

Doc, Being Awesome As Usual

I was actually very glad to talk to Doctor Westborough today. I hit a real low last night and was all alone with my sorry self, with no comforting blanket and went into some kind of sneaky shame/hate spiral combo. So, since the good Doctor is supposed to help me cope with this crap I brought it up.

And sometimes I hate his brilliance.

"If you miss a blanket so much then why not sew several blankets together so you can have one appropriate to your size?" He said, "Just because you've changed form doesn't mean you have to give up everything you enjoyed. You don't have to follow all social customs of your new world if you don't want to. You're allowed to keep and enjoy things that were part of your life before the incident."

I'm not even sure how to thank him for such brilliant wisdom. He also suggested I use some of the bedding I have in my house, like making a quilt from old t-shirts, but I don't think I will. Not yet at least. Not until I no longer have my house which which should hopefully be a long way off.

Things I Miss: Bedding

I'm really missing my nice broken in cotton sheets these days. The ones with the little purple and magenta pansies and green leaves printed on them with eyelet on the edge of the pillowcase. The ones that I would be putting on my bed in a month or two's time to go with spring coming about. And my electric blanket. On a cold winter's night that was my best friend.

But Cybertronians don't apparently use bedding, they just have their hard doctor's office bench like berths. And that word just feels so weird to say. I still can't help calling it a bed because that is what I want it to be.

I want to go home and sleep in my own bed. Surrounded by pictures and books and everything that fills my house and chronicled who I am. Was.

Officially back to my low point. And I can't even snuggle into a blanket or three to properly mope and/or comfort myself.

Bedding, only slightly less missed than food.

Things I Miss: Clothes

Okay, so, it has been a month.

And I still feel weird without putting on clothes in the morning. I've pretty much convinced myself that my plating/car mode is clothes so I don't feel quite so indecent but hot damn. I'm not wearing pants. It is there in the back of my mind, making me horribly uncomfortable that I am living that one nightmare where you aren't wearing any clothes and are out and about. And I broke down this morning while talking with the Doc today because it really is not helping me in my 'be more sociable' directive.

This was the first time the Doc was at a loss for something to say actually. Not that I can blame him for that. He really is working hard to help me out though. He reaffirmed my idea to think of my plating as clothing but clothes don't have the sense of touch that skin and my plating does.

Not sure what I'm going to do on this one other than just try and grit my denta (look at me, finally using some Cybertronian words) and bear it. Or bare it I guess, lol.

Also, Sta-bil has a cotton candy like aftertaste when paired with 93 octane. It makes 87 taste like Coke Zero though. I may never be able to consume 87 ever again because I'll remember that horrid taste. I'm going to hit up the Autozone this week now that I've gotten the hang on my holomatter projector and see if I can't find some other fuel additives to try.

Setback

I can't call myself Cybertronian. I'm in a Cybertronian form and interact with Cybertronians but I'm still from Earth. My thoughts are still human. I'm still human. No matter what I will always think of myself as such, if I'm not then I wouldn't really be the same. I wouldn't be me.

As you can see, I've hit a bit of a low point.

I was going to talk with Ironhide today for my daily interaction but he left fairly early, I think to visit Captain Lennox and his family. I figure that was a sign that maybe I should just accept that today was a not so great day and be okay with chilling and brooding. The radar showed it was cloudy on the coastal highway so I went to one of my favorite scenic turn offs. Had a great nap in car form. Dreamt it was summer vacation during seventh grade when the family visited Hearst Castle. I had sat at the same turn off since it was right next to the motel we were staying at. It was cloudy those days too. It was kind of nice to be human again, even if only in a passing dream. I think I might do some more scenic roadside napping the next few days, I felt a bit better and more calm afterwards. That is definitely what I need.

A Good Day

Talked with the Doc this morning, he says I have to face things head on at some point. I guess I should have known that all along but then again who wants to do that? It does help hearing it from the Doc though. The therapy is helping I think, being able to talk to someone about everything is very helpful. Saying everything out loud makes things sink in but I guess it has to sink at some point.

Spoke with Ratchet today as well, got a quick rundown on "Cybertronian" anatomy. Still feels awkward to say servo and glossa. He was pretty nice though, straight to the point but that really is not a bad thing I guess. He seemed happy that I had taken an interest in Cybertronian stuff. I asked him about it and he said that he had been worried about me since I seemed a little slow to talk and stuff. God, I sound like a child with development problems. It is cool to have another doctor type who seems interesed in my well being. Here I am after never having a General Practioner to having two Docs keeping up on me (I said no camels, that's four camels am I right?). I doubt I'll hang out with Ratchet much but I'm definitely not afraid to talk to him anymore. He definitely isn't as stuffy or all business as I thought he would was.

Socializing

I have taken it upon myself to at least introduce myself to one of the Autobots I don't know each day. Doc agreed it was a good idea. Today I introduced myself to Sideswipe, he had come earthside a week or two ago but I had been avoiding anyone made of machinery at the time so I really hadn't seen more than a glimpses or two of him. He had been out and about a lot too.

So when I ran into him after coming into the base I put a smile on my face (facial plates? I'm going to have to ask Ratchet what the proper terminology is for limbs and faces) and didn't give myself a chance to slink away into the shadows. He was actually quite personable. And I found out we both share a liking of Lamborghinis, he even chose one as his alt mode, and well, I am a sucker for a Superleggera though not so much the red.

We spent most of the day racing around the roads and freeways between the base and San Diego. It was a blast, those are some of my favorite roads and I'd never had a racing buddy before, even as a human. It was fun and that was something that had been in short supply so really I consider this a success.

But almost as soon as I think that, once the outright statement of it fades from my mind I am back to missing watching MotoGP on cloudy afternoons with my family. Missing sipping a cup of tea as I stare out the kitchen window into the bright, crisp morning. I'm going to have to ask the Doc whether I should just try and constantly distract myself with fun robot/car things to get used to this idea of being a robot/car.

Friends

After reading my last entry Doctor Westborough says I should try and spend more time with my fellow giant robots. And I know I should. Barring something unfortunate my lifespan is now apparently a long freaking time. Way longer than humans. If I want to avoid the inherent sadness of losing those I become close to then I am going to have to build friendships with the Autobots.

I'm already friends with Tracks, he's a nice 'bot, but I don't know what to talk about now. I feel like I've lost something with him, like I want to keep our connection but I don't really feel it. And I don't know if he feels the same way. We go on drives and stuff but I don't have my work to talk about anymore. I don't go out and do lectures or visit museums anymore. It is another thing I am going to have to figure out.

I knew Bumblebee before, not very well but I knew him. Since I am spending more time with Michaela I am spending more time with Bumblebee and Sam by default and he's pretty cool. He's kind of become a breakfast buddy when he stays on base actually. Well, if two mornings count as a breakfast buddy.

But I haven't really talked much with the other Autobots though. Mostly in passing. Just like I haven't really talked with my human friends since the incident. I've been on facebook, and twitter but the idea of a phone call makes me want to wretch. I'm not sure I could keep up my story. It is pretty weak and won't last much longer. I can only be sick while visiting rural Eastern Europe and therefore unable to fly back for so long. That doesn't even solve what I am going to do about my house and bills and job. I am running out of sick leave, I only have three weeks of vacation and sick leave left. And thank god I had only used one or two sick days leading up to this so I had a ton saved up. I still have to figure something out though. I don't want to give up my house. Going back to work might also help keep my mind busy. Or at least my hands. Something.

Things I miss: Food

I've decided what I miss most. Food. There are variations in fuel, obviously, but there is no cheesecake. There is no wonderful pot roast, all warm and tender after sitting in the crock pot in mom's kitchen all day. Hell, I'd punch a kid to steal their celery sticks.

It took a while for this to become apparent, it has been three weeks since the incident and it only really hit me this morning. I woke up craving toast with butter on it hardcore. And I didn't even realize the problem until I got out of bed to go to the kitchen and make breakfast. The metallic clank of my feet hitting the floor brought me back to reality.

God in heaven, I still am dreaming about wonderful, glorious whole wheat slices of bread toasted delicately and spread ever so lovingly with butter. I wasn't even a foodie before, but you don't realize what you've got 'til it is gone I guess. Sitting and staring at the little container of gasoline that was breakfast, Bumblebee had asked why I seemed so downtrod. I tried to explain but he didn't get it. He's never had taste I don't think nor the wide array of food option humans have flourished at creating. Michaela said later that Bee had asked her and Sam about it and they were much more sympathetic. She suggested I try fuel additives to see if that helped to give me some variation. I'm thinking I might get a bottle of Sta-bil or something to see if that helps. I have to do something.

I'm actually really glad I have Michaela to talk to. I like the idea of still having a human gal pal, someone I can talk to about normal things. Probably shouldn't talk about food though, just thinking about it puts me down a bit.

Not Quite Day 1

The doc says I should keep a journal to try and help sort out my thoughts. Not that I'm sure how exactly I'm going to sort out everything that has happened but he made it pretty clear that it is Doctor's Orders. Though he assured me that he won't read anything I don't want him to.

I guess I am just happy that I get to talk to a human psychologist for this. Ratchet seems like a nice guy... bot... Whatever, he seems nice but I don't think I'll ever be as comfortable talking with him as with a human doctor. And I honestly don't think he'd feel all that comfortable either, nor really very understanding of my situation. Doctor Westborough at least specializes in helping disabled soldiers reacclimate to civilian life. Human soldiers.

I guess if I'm going to have any chance of getting back into the swing of things I am just going to have to say it. I'm no longer human. I'm now a robot who can transform into a car.

It should be kind of cool, I mean at least I'm a sports car, but at the moment there is a terrible sense of despair blocking out the appreciation of anything that might resemble fun. And I know it all stems from the fact that it can't be reversed. I'm stuck this way barring waking up to find out this is a terrible dream. Which I'm still hoping for.

I'm still not sure how this is supposed to help me "become okay" with things.