I dreamt of playing with children again, I'm pretty sure they are my brother's since he was there. It was a family barbecue. The idea of mothering is an odd one for me, I never wanted to be a mother and I'm not sad I now can't be one. But I had been looking forward to being the cool aunt all my nieces and/or nephews loved. And I am very sad I cannot spend time with my family, we didn't get much time together as it was because of how far apart we are.
I'm thinking of Christmas morning, that time after opening presents when we all would be sitting in the living room. Mom would have just made the cinnamon rolls from the tube with the orange frosting and we'd sit and watch outside for snow even though it never snowed on Christmas. Or watching football on a Sunday afternoon, all snuggled in with the sky grey outside and cracking jokes at whatever caught our fancy.
For once I'm happy to say I don't feel worse than before, those memories were things I dwelled on before. That is just part of being an adult and living far from your loved ones. I just know that it hasn't set in yet the fact that I don't get to see them ever again. I could try using my holoform but I'm just too worried that I wouldn't replicate every detail and they would notice. That is what I fear most, of all the people to find out my human form is not real, those would be the ones I would hate to have to make sure I never see again. As it is right now I can still email Mom and facebook bro and chat on the phone every so often with Dad and that is better than nothing. I can't physically see them but I can at least talk to them.
And if nothing else with how things are now I'm the only one who has to suffer from this.
