Things I Can't Have

I dreamt of playing with children again, I'm pretty sure they are my brother's since he was there. It was a family barbecue. The idea of mothering is an odd one for me, I never wanted to be a mother and I'm not sad I now can't be one. But I had been looking forward to being the cool aunt all my nieces and/or nephews loved. And I am very sad I cannot spend time with my family, we didn't get much time together as it was because of how far apart we are.

I'm thinking of Christmas morning, that time after opening presents when we all would be sitting in the living room. Mom would have just made the cinnamon rolls from the tube with the orange frosting and we'd sit and watch outside for snow even though it never snowed on Christmas. Or watching football on a Sunday afternoon, all snuggled in with the sky grey outside and cracking jokes at whatever caught our fancy.

For once I'm happy to say I don't feel worse than before, those memories were things I dwelled on before. That is just part of being an adult and living far from your loved ones. I just know that it hasn't set in yet the fact that I don't get to see them ever again. I could try using my holoform but I'm just too worried that I wouldn't replicate every detail and they would notice. That is what I fear most, of all the people to find out my human form is not real, those would be the ones I would hate to have to make sure I never see again. As it is right now I can still email Mom and facebook bro and chat on the phone every so often with Dad and that is better than nothing. I can't physically see them but I can at least talk to them.

And if nothing else with how things are now I'm the only one who has to suffer from this.

Waiting on the Doctor

I haven't emailed the doc, I'm waiting for him to email me again. It is a silly formaility of mine that rivals some of the trivial standards of Versailles. I want to talk to him, I want to email him but I need to wait until he emails me once more. Somehow that would prove his intentions genuine.

It is stupid.

But I'm desperate. Desperate to talk.

The writers' group is fine but I have to lie so thoroughly it is almost more tiring than pleasurable. I can't tell them where I am from or where I live or who I really am. I'm a car in the parking lot and not the image they see before them.

I'm pretty sure I know what it would be like to be a ghost now.

Slipping Back Into Society

This solitary time has been great to figure out some of my interal workings. To sort out my thoughts and feelings. I haven't really resolved any of the big looming questions or anxieties but I at least figured out what they are.

I can't talk out these problems with anyone, but I am missing being social. I miss having dinner with friends and all those silly conversations about the merits of Moonstruck and how romantic comedies these days aren't nearly as good.

There is an advertisement for a writer's group near where I've been staying, I'm thinking of going to it. One of the things about all the crazy plot twists in my life is that they would make for an interesting book. Obviously it would be sold as fiction and I couldn't write everything exactly as it happened but I can write on the culture shock and craziness of aliens secretly living among us. And this would give me a chance to make some new friends. Writers are always a fun brand of crazy.

The Good Doctor

I got an email from the shrink, he was using his personal email which was odd but the IP address matches some previous emails he sent from his home before. He says he wants to help me still, that he figures I ran off and wasn't kidnapped (though he doesn't mention if that is what anyone else thinks). He's no longer officially working my case but he says that he's more worried about my well being than being paid.

It is sweet of him, he's a good doctor I don't think I've ever thought anything different. He's the whole reason I started writing things down, to help sort through my thoughts. Sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. I'm not sure I'd have come to stare down the behemoth before me that is the feeling of uselessness and emptiness so quickly if I hadn't have been working so hard to put the storm of feelings and thought fragments into coherent sentences.

But I don't know if I can trust him. This could all be a ruse to try and catch me. I mean, I checked and he was reassigned to new work in San Diego but the idea that my own admitting weakness would be the thing to end my vacation is not something I can handle. In my previous life I couldn't even admit weakness to my own family. I lied before I admitted it just like I would do anything that would risk me crying in front of anyone. Just the idea of going to a psychiatrist was preposterious. I couldn't admit to having such faults.

Even now I still feel the shame of not being able to sort myself out. For considering writing back.

But if I am still staring down the emptiness next week I think I will email him and ask what one is supposed to do. What am I supposed to do with my whole life ahead of me, with so many more lives than my whole life looming darkly like a prison?

The Feeling of Waiting

I've been doing very good distracting myself with work and reading e-books but every so often it finds me. My foot slips a little and I inadvertently glance into the bottomless pit that is the eternity I fear. After those brief little glances it eats at the edges of my consciousness. It isn't the last moments that scare me, that haunt me. It is all the days and years and eternities between the moment I am in and the moment I will cease to be.

If these millions of days that loom in every shadow were something physical I would give them to all the people who are dying with things left undone and families to sit with not feeling the need to say anything but just enjoying their company.

If I ever do come upon the Autobots again I am going to be selfish and tell them the truth. We humans are great at persevering and surviving but we are a finite species. We function at our greatest when we know we have only so much time and even that isn't promised to us. We burn so brightly because we know we don't have long. They should never have revived me.

This is the feeling of waiting for the madness and sorrow and ambivalence to overcome the voice that has always been with me telling me to live.

A Nervousness I've Had All Along

Every time I see a blue Corvette my mind races and I have a hard time not bolting like a rabbit who has sensed a fox. I've got my sensors set so any Cybertronian should show up once they are within a mile of me though I'm sure any determined bot could figure a way to dampen their signal. Luckily there aren't very many yellow and black new style Camaros or any of the other Autobots. Well. Barring Ironhide, there are tons of big black trucks, though not as many as blue Corvettes. And it is the idea of Tracks hunting me down. With him I'd wonder if it was personal, if he was mad I had run off without telling him again. That he was mad I purposely fell off the radar.

It is so silly for that to be my biggest worry. That my nervousness is almost all about having hurt Tracks's feelings. Not that the government may now consider me a traitor and wish to capture and detain me. Not that the Autobots may think I've gone over to the Decepticons. Not that all my hard work may unravel. My worry is that Tracks is mad.

I guess part of me has always figured I would cross paths with him again and I would want it to be like the time before everything hit the fan. After his planetfall but before the Autobots made their home at Norton. That glorious time when we we bantered back and forth and were rather blissfully unaware that there were Decepticons out on this world. But we all dream of better times when we are unsure or afraid or sad.

I guess that is why I dream of my life before. Because I am unsure. I am unsure what I am supposed to do, Cybertronians live for millenia so I've got a lot of time to figure out what to do with.

This Fleeting Sense of Calm

For the past week I've woken up every morning parked at a camp site that overlooks the ocean, surrounded by empty camp sites. The mornings start out grey and the mist takes a while to dissipate. Everything is silent other than the little quails that dash about and the waves on the shore. It is amazing.

I should have done this years ago.

That is what I always think. But then, after the sun sets, finally sinking below the ocean I'm afraid. I'm filled with panic and wish I could cry. And then I wake up in the morning, a little before the sun rises to the chirps of the quails darting about.

And then here I am, after a week of serenity and terror, left wondering if this is what the rest of eternity is going to be like.

Almost Natural

My boss is a little annoyed with me since I emailed him the day before I left that he'd have to schedule calls. I told him it was because my phone coverage is terrible but it really is because I have to keep my cell phone without power. Probably a little overkill but I'm doing all I can to not be tracked. By now my absense has been noticed at the base and the fact I disabled my comm and all trackers has probably got them worried I've been kidnapped or unhappy that I've defected. This is likely the most important time for me to keep under the radar. After a few months I will quite likely not be their top priority and won't have to worry so much. After a year or two they will likely not care anymore. I'll still have to be a little careful since they might be watching my old haunts but by then maybe I'll finally be ready to let go of those and have created a new home.

The one upside is that I am still am to keep in contact with all my friends who don't know about the giant robots. I can't mention where I am but I can keep up on their lives and chat through facebook and keep emailing mom. It is kind of nice to pretend like I never met any of the Autobots. That I never got drawn into their war.

A Sense of Freedom

Two days have passed and the fear of being tracked down and scolded for my wandering is starting to subside. It is being replaced by a wonderful sense of freedom. Of relief. I thought of going to Las Vegas but the fun in that town is definitely for humans and not someone the size of a car. So I went up the California coast and drove around San Francisco yesterday and went further north to Oregon. I still need to get some work done on the database project and touch base with my assistant to make sure her digitizing work is on schedule so I'm going to stay here in Oregon for another day or so until that is all sorted and then go explore Washington. I've never been there but it looks so lush and green.

And part of this escape is going almost completely off the grid. I can't go completely off since I have to stay connected for work and a little bit of tech around should help camoflague me.

I think this may work out.

The Uneasy Night Before Something Big

That is what tonight is. I disabled my beacon earlier after leaving the Autobot base and came home to make sure the house is clean and ready to be locked up. I'd love to be able to just hide out here and be left alone but I know that someone will think to drop by. It would probably be Mikaela or Tracks. Mickaela wouldn't say anything for awhile I think but it would just be another instance of annoyance for Tracks that I ran off home again. He has been worried about me. That is why I had to wait for awhile to set things in motion, he has been keeping tabs on me. And I will miss him, I still enjoy spending time with him I just need a little break. This break from the Autobots will likely be permanent, it just isn't the life I want.

I just don't understand why they were so desperate to revive me. It was always one of those things I had discussed with my family that if I was in an accident or something to not keep me on life support. This Cybertronian form is like the most perverse version of that. I haven't been revived, I've been trapped and forced to watch my former life without being able to return to it.

Figured Out Work

I've figured out how to disable the tracker beacon I was issued. I'm going to slip off the grid for awhile, I was able get myself on the new database creation and cataloging project at work. They were happy to have me since I can coordinate the digitization of our older materials since my assistant in ILL has little to do anyways. And since all the programming and brainstorming is distance based I can go wherever I please as long as I meet deadlines.

It is a wonderful thing really, those few days of working through the holoform were taxing. There were too many chances for me to slip up eventually.

I finally visited Doc yesterday, he had been worried but he wasn't angry with me. I'm kind of tired of how understaning he is. I'm kind of tired of having to talk with him. I should have seen that coming, I like being able to spill my guts every so often to someone I can trust and who will help me but that is normally one in a very long while. Having to do it every week, every other day is just wearing me down. We hardly talk much because I'm tired of my life being so transparent.  But I still have to see him and I think he might be getting just as frustrated as me. He can't do his job if I don't talk. He can't pick me apart and put me back together and make a nice little report for Uncle Sam if I don't let him.

That pretty much sums up my whole life at the moment. It turns out Autobots are excruciatingly social, especially when they worry about you. That is so very the opposite of me. I love spending time with friends and all but I need more time by myself than I do with others. I need some time to stew in my own thoughts.

I've got to find a way to escape.

Today was also my first day back at work. Everyone was happy to see me and it was nice to be able to go back to my office. I missed work. The holoform was excruciatingly hard to keep going the whole day though. I'll definitely be asking around the office about any upcoming distance projects I can get in on.

Cloudy Days

It has been so cloudy recently, I'm not used to this weather until feb/march. It is so lame.

Well, I guess it isn't so much the grey skies as the grey mood but I firmly believe they are tied to one another. But this grey weather, it drags the days together and suddenly I've missed two appointments with the doc and freaked Tracks out (again) by pulling a ghost act. Part of that was poor luck that I didn't run into anyone and part of it was I just wasn't thinking. I don't really feel bad, but that is part of me not really feeling anything.

Not looking forward to talking to the doc tomorrow. I imagine I'll be scolded like a kid ditching class.

A Disconnect

So. As it turns out my memories are accessible like video files. This is one of those things that is apparently standard among robots but no one thought to tell me. I'm not really angry or anything just a little annoyed. And not really annoyed either at that. It is more at the situation, I guess. No one told me because no one thought to tell me. It is like that assignment where you have to describe how to make a pb&j, no matter how hard you try you always leave out a step. Something you consider so basic you don't even think of it. Getting the jar of peanut butter from the cupboard or opening the bag the bread is in. This is one of those things.

I'm not mad at anyone. Its just that... this isn't the first time there has been this disconnect. When I asked about blankets when I was first given a room none of the bots seemed to understand, I had to explain their function and even then there was still the "but you don't need one now". And there is the disconnect with Tracks, still haven't figured out how to solve that. Lord knows I'm trying though. I just wish I knew what to talk about.

Due to this rather low point I haven't actually been keeping up with my goal to get to know a bot each day. I've been avoiding spending time with anyone with metallic parts the last few days. I spent some time with Michaela and obviously I talked with Doctor Westborough, I would get in trouble if I didn't at least meet with him every other weekday. But other than that I've been on my own, thinking. Lots of thinking. There is a lot I have to figure out, have to plan, by the end of the week so I can let my boss know if I'll be coming in to work Monday, when my sick leave runs out. I've got an idea, to use my holoform and go back to work but it is difficult to keep that running for extended periods of time. I'd have to make sure that I can park right next to my office window since it makes it easier.

But that isn't much of a solution, there are a lot of variables that could mess things up. If my boss needed me to work through lunch. Or work late. Or notices that I'm not actually breathing. Or runs into the hologram and notices I'm not warm or my clothing has no texture.

But I can at least try and make it work for as long as possible and look for distance work or something.

A Robot Version of a Picnic?

I need to figure one out. I spent the day with Tracks, and that very awkward silence is still kind of there but doesn't feel so overpowering. Where as I had been kind of avoiding places that I had frequented before, we went to the empty house where I liked to have lunch and sat there looking over the city. The city is changing. I know everything changes, it is part of life, but being able to see it laid out in front of me didn't brighten my day as much as I thought looking out over the city would. And don't get me wrong, the freeway did need to be redone and having an extra lane should help with traffic. And I hadn't even known that they had connected the two sections of the 210.

We didn't really talk but I was able to think. Sitting next to Tracks strengthed my resolve to go back to work. That sounds bad, it wasn't that I want to reduce the free time I have but it would help me feel like I'm not just sitting about moping. Its like when I was unemployed. Just sitting around moping and without direction did nothing for my self esteem or mood.

I think I'm going to suggest we head up to the turn off we went to up in the mountains so we can look at the city lights and stars tomorrow night. That should be just as peaceful and something I like just sharing between the two of us.

Maybe?

Not much has been going since my last journal, I finished my quilt of quilts and it has been very wonderful to have. I made a pillow to match yesterday so aside from a fitted sheet I've pretty much got a set. :)

I'm in much higher spirits too. I think the connection between me and Tracks is repairing itself. While I was working on the pillow yesterday he showed up and handed me some lace. It is this super pretty 6" white eyelet. He said that he remembered my bedding having lace trimming. It was so nice of him. Like he has started to understand that I'm not going to just assimilate into their little band of Cybertronians.

Although after he left (after we had a lovely chat about fuel additives and the best waxes to give our paint jobs the best shine) I started to think about how he knew that some of my bedding had lace. He'd never been in my house, obviously a Cybertronian doesn't fit or else that is where I would live. The only time I can think of is the one time I did laundry and my dryer broke so I had to hang everything up outside to dry. But that was one time, maybe a year or so ago right after I first met Tracks. Maybe Michaela told him. But she had only ever been to my house a few times and I don't ever remember her going in my bedroom.

Aside from that bit of weirdness things have been looking up. I think I'll get back onto the whole get to know a bot each day thing. If not when I'm in a brighter mood then I don't know when.

And I think I am going to make sure Tracks is at the top of that list. I've missed our friendship.

More WTFs For All Parties Involved

So, as per Dr. Westborough's suggestion I'm making my own bedding. Because my bed (I can't call it a berth it sounds to weird, like I'm a ship) is most certainly not a standard bedding size I'm having to make it myself by sewing together quilts and such. I figured I would just hand sew it since trying to use my sewing machine while this giant might prove dangerous for it. I'd hate to accidentally break it since it is expensive to get fixed. So I went out this morning and got a handful of pretty quilts, a roll of upholstry thread and the largest needle available and spent most of the day sitting in the base sewing the quilts together.

And everytime someone passed me by they backtracked and had to freaking ask me what I was doing. Okay, sure, it probably is a bit odd for a giant robot to be quilting. I get that. But the amount of confusion. If I'd have been welding something they'd have probably just gone on their merry little ways.

And the whole time all I could think of was when I clothing repair and hand embroidery in college to help pay the bills. Every time I had a project that had hand sewing I would pack it up and head down to one of the beaches near San Clemente and just sit in my car sewing or embroidering until it was too dark to continue. As I'm learning it is these little things from before the incident that are the things I miss most. I physically could go down to that beach, that state beach who's name I don't know, and sit in the parking lot and sew but I doubt it would end well. I know how imperative it is to keep the existence of Cybertronians a secret. And sewing is something I can't do in car form.

Again Michaela was the one to kind of save the day. She was the only one to really not bat an eye once I told her what I was doing. I didn't really get to know Michaela when I was human, figured she was just a typical teenage girl. Not the type of person I would want to hang out with. I guess now that she is one of the few humans I can talk to, without withholding information unless I wish to, that my hand was forced into getting to know her. I'm either lucky that she's a person I can get along with and is okay keeping me company or I'm grasping at the remaining connections to humanity that I have. I think I'll say it is the first option.

I like the idea I've got more than a tenious grasp on sanity.

Doc, Being Awesome As Usual

I was actually very glad to talk to Doctor Westborough today. I hit a real low last night and was all alone with my sorry self, with no comforting blanket and went into some kind of sneaky shame/hate spiral combo. So, since the good Doctor is supposed to help me cope with this crap I brought it up.

And sometimes I hate his brilliance.

"If you miss a blanket so much then why not sew several blankets together so you can have one appropriate to your size?" He said, "Just because you've changed form doesn't mean you have to give up everything you enjoyed. You don't have to follow all social customs of your new world if you don't want to. You're allowed to keep and enjoy things that were part of your life before the incident."

I'm not even sure how to thank him for such brilliant wisdom. He also suggested I use some of the bedding I have in my house, like making a quilt from old t-shirts, but I don't think I will. Not yet at least. Not until I no longer have my house which which should hopefully be a long way off.

Things I Miss: Bedding

I'm really missing my nice broken in cotton sheets these days. The ones with the little purple and magenta pansies and green leaves printed on them with eyelet on the edge of the pillowcase. The ones that I would be putting on my bed in a month or two's time to go with spring coming about. And my electric blanket. On a cold winter's night that was my best friend.

But Cybertronians don't apparently use bedding, they just have their hard doctor's office bench like berths. And that word just feels so weird to say. I still can't help calling it a bed because that is what I want it to be.

I want to go home and sleep in my own bed. Surrounded by pictures and books and everything that fills my house and chronicled who I am. Was.

Officially back to my low point. And I can't even snuggle into a blanket or three to properly mope and/or comfort myself.

Bedding, only slightly less missed than food.

Things I Miss: Clothes

Okay, so, it has been a month.

And I still feel weird without putting on clothes in the morning. I've pretty much convinced myself that my plating/car mode is clothes so I don't feel quite so indecent but hot damn. I'm not wearing pants. It is there in the back of my mind, making me horribly uncomfortable that I am living that one nightmare where you aren't wearing any clothes and are out and about. And I broke down this morning while talking with the Doc today because it really is not helping me in my 'be more sociable' directive.

This was the first time the Doc was at a loss for something to say actually. Not that I can blame him for that. He really is working hard to help me out though. He reaffirmed my idea to think of my plating as clothing but clothes don't have the sense of touch that skin and my plating does.

Not sure what I'm going to do on this one other than just try and grit my denta (look at me, finally using some Cybertronian words) and bear it. Or bare it I guess, lol.

Also, Sta-bil has a cotton candy like aftertaste when paired with 93 octane. It makes 87 taste like Coke Zero though. I may never be able to consume 87 ever again because I'll remember that horrid taste. I'm going to hit up the Autozone this week now that I've gotten the hang on my holomatter projector and see if I can't find some other fuel additives to try.

Setback

I can't call myself Cybertronian. I'm in a Cybertronian form and interact with Cybertronians but I'm still from Earth. My thoughts are still human. I'm still human. No matter what I will always think of myself as such, if I'm not then I wouldn't really be the same. I wouldn't be me.

As you can see, I've hit a bit of a low point.

I was going to talk with Ironhide today for my daily interaction but he left fairly early, I think to visit Captain Lennox and his family. I figure that was a sign that maybe I should just accept that today was a not so great day and be okay with chilling and brooding. The radar showed it was cloudy on the coastal highway so I went to one of my favorite scenic turn offs. Had a great nap in car form. Dreamt it was summer vacation during seventh grade when the family visited Hearst Castle. I had sat at the same turn off since it was right next to the motel we were staying at. It was cloudy those days too. It was kind of nice to be human again, even if only in a passing dream. I think I might do some more scenic roadside napping the next few days, I felt a bit better and more calm afterwards. That is definitely what I need.

A Good Day

Talked with the Doc this morning, he says I have to face things head on at some point. I guess I should have known that all along but then again who wants to do that? It does help hearing it from the Doc though. The therapy is helping I think, being able to talk to someone about everything is very helpful. Saying everything out loud makes things sink in but I guess it has to sink at some point.

Spoke with Ratchet today as well, got a quick rundown on "Cybertronian" anatomy. Still feels awkward to say servo and glossa. He was pretty nice though, straight to the point but that really is not a bad thing I guess. He seemed happy that I had taken an interest in Cybertronian stuff. I asked him about it and he said that he had been worried about me since I seemed a little slow to talk and stuff. God, I sound like a child with development problems. It is cool to have another doctor type who seems interesed in my well being. Here I am after never having a General Practioner to having two Docs keeping up on me (I said no camels, that's four camels am I right?). I doubt I'll hang out with Ratchet much but I'm definitely not afraid to talk to him anymore. He definitely isn't as stuffy or all business as I thought he would was.

Socializing

I have taken it upon myself to at least introduce myself to one of the Autobots I don't know each day. Doc agreed it was a good idea. Today I introduced myself to Sideswipe, he had come earthside a week or two ago but I had been avoiding anyone made of machinery at the time so I really hadn't seen more than a glimpses or two of him. He had been out and about a lot too.

So when I ran into him after coming into the base I put a smile on my face (facial plates? I'm going to have to ask Ratchet what the proper terminology is for limbs and faces) and didn't give myself a chance to slink away into the shadows. He was actually quite personable. And I found out we both share a liking of Lamborghinis, he even chose one as his alt mode, and well, I am a sucker for a Superleggera though not so much the red.

We spent most of the day racing around the roads and freeways between the base and San Diego. It was a blast, those are some of my favorite roads and I'd never had a racing buddy before, even as a human. It was fun and that was something that had been in short supply so really I consider this a success.

But almost as soon as I think that, once the outright statement of it fades from my mind I am back to missing watching MotoGP on cloudy afternoons with my family. Missing sipping a cup of tea as I stare out the kitchen window into the bright, crisp morning. I'm going to have to ask the Doc whether I should just try and constantly distract myself with fun robot/car things to get used to this idea of being a robot/car.

Friends

After reading my last entry Doctor Westborough says I should try and spend more time with my fellow giant robots. And I know I should. Barring something unfortunate my lifespan is now apparently a long freaking time. Way longer than humans. If I want to avoid the inherent sadness of losing those I become close to then I am going to have to build friendships with the Autobots.

I'm already friends with Tracks, he's a nice 'bot, but I don't know what to talk about now. I feel like I've lost something with him, like I want to keep our connection but I don't really feel it. And I don't know if he feels the same way. We go on drives and stuff but I don't have my work to talk about anymore. I don't go out and do lectures or visit museums anymore. It is another thing I am going to have to figure out.

I knew Bumblebee before, not very well but I knew him. Since I am spending more time with Michaela I am spending more time with Bumblebee and Sam by default and he's pretty cool. He's kind of become a breakfast buddy when he stays on base actually. Well, if two mornings count as a breakfast buddy.

But I haven't really talked much with the other Autobots though. Mostly in passing. Just like I haven't really talked with my human friends since the incident. I've been on facebook, and twitter but the idea of a phone call makes me want to wretch. I'm not sure I could keep up my story. It is pretty weak and won't last much longer. I can only be sick while visiting rural Eastern Europe and therefore unable to fly back for so long. That doesn't even solve what I am going to do about my house and bills and job. I am running out of sick leave, I only have three weeks of vacation and sick leave left. And thank god I had only used one or two sick days leading up to this so I had a ton saved up. I still have to figure something out though. I don't want to give up my house. Going back to work might also help keep my mind busy. Or at least my hands. Something.

Things I miss: Food

I've decided what I miss most. Food. There are variations in fuel, obviously, but there is no cheesecake. There is no wonderful pot roast, all warm and tender after sitting in the crock pot in mom's kitchen all day. Hell, I'd punch a kid to steal their celery sticks.

It took a while for this to become apparent, it has been three weeks since the incident and it only really hit me this morning. I woke up craving toast with butter on it hardcore. And I didn't even realize the problem until I got out of bed to go to the kitchen and make breakfast. The metallic clank of my feet hitting the floor brought me back to reality.

God in heaven, I still am dreaming about wonderful, glorious whole wheat slices of bread toasted delicately and spread ever so lovingly with butter. I wasn't even a foodie before, but you don't realize what you've got 'til it is gone I guess. Sitting and staring at the little container of gasoline that was breakfast, Bumblebee had asked why I seemed so downtrod. I tried to explain but he didn't get it. He's never had taste I don't think nor the wide array of food option humans have flourished at creating. Michaela said later that Bee had asked her and Sam about it and they were much more sympathetic. She suggested I try fuel additives to see if that helped to give me some variation. I'm thinking I might get a bottle of Sta-bil or something to see if that helps. I have to do something.

I'm actually really glad I have Michaela to talk to. I like the idea of still having a human gal pal, someone I can talk to about normal things. Probably shouldn't talk about food though, just thinking about it puts me down a bit.

Not Quite Day 1

The doc says I should keep a journal to try and help sort out my thoughts. Not that I'm sure how exactly I'm going to sort out everything that has happened but he made it pretty clear that it is Doctor's Orders. Though he assured me that he won't read anything I don't want him to.

I guess I am just happy that I get to talk to a human psychologist for this. Ratchet seems like a nice guy... bot... Whatever, he seems nice but I don't think I'll ever be as comfortable talking with him as with a human doctor. And I honestly don't think he'd feel all that comfortable either, nor really very understanding of my situation. Doctor Westborough at least specializes in helping disabled soldiers reacclimate to civilian life. Human soldiers.

I guess if I'm going to have any chance of getting back into the swing of things I am just going to have to say it. I'm no longer human. I'm now a robot who can transform into a car.

It should be kind of cool, I mean at least I'm a sports car, but at the moment there is a terrible sense of despair blocking out the appreciation of anything that might resemble fun. And I know it all stems from the fact that it can't be reversed. I'm stuck this way barring waking up to find out this is a terrible dream. Which I'm still hoping for.

I'm still not sure how this is supposed to help me "become okay" with things.